So after 3 years of adding an entry. I continue to write excerpts of my life so I can recall when I am curious at a later time. Or maybe confused at what is going on in my life at the time.

Right now I guess confusion can be the perfect word. I really don't know what I'm doing with my life and where it's leading. I thought I found things to be alright, but now I ponder is this what I really want out of life.

I find myself thinking all sorts of things are lame. I'm easily irritable and have been told that I push everyone in my life away. Chemical inbalance? Who knows. But the part that I've come to realize is that I don't care. I guess I can't let anyone get close enough to me. Not even the person I love. I just don't know why. Maybe the whole idea of giving oneself to do anything with is not too inviting.

I ponder the idea of swapping things in and out of my life. Sort of like clothes. The things like a job, a house, the car, and even friends. Then I realize like swapping out clothes you gotta buy new ones. Of course you can't really swap out any of those things on the whim.

I guess when it comes down to it I'm in a rut. And I guess the real thing that bothers me is I don't know why.